BlogalongaBond: Diamonds are Forever – An intrepid interview with Sean Connery

M would be livid. Moneypenny would be going mad with the worry. Q would be desperately trawling price comparison sites for more comprehensive insurance cover. Because surely the only feasible reason I could be running late on a BlogalongaBond assignment is that I’d accidentally hit self destruct on my brand new motor in the middle of nowhere; or outside a casino.

There’s no doubt that my future with the service will be questioned. M wouldn’t need to peruse my file to remember the You Only Live Twice debacle, during
which I claimed to rely on instinct and memory rather than hard facts and intel
gathered firsthand. Hopefully Moneypenny would still be on my side enough to
slip something in the old man’s drink or wear a particularly distracting low
cut top to work on the day of my possible dismissal.

Maybe I can appease my spymasters with the fruits of my month long labour though. Everyone knows that Diamonds are Forever was a kneejerk and commercially driven reaction to the failed reboot that was On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Cubby Broccoli and co were so terrified that Lazenby’s one and only outing as 007 had turned the world off of its favourite secret agent that they ditched any aspect of the previous film’s refreshing and engaging miserable and morbid direction, in favour of gags and girls with plenty of girth in the chest. Sean Connery was somehow tempted back for a short term fix. And it was his decision to front the silliness of the 1971 film that set the trajectory for the camp and altogether more comedic Moore years.

Why did he agree to come back? It’s the defining question of this film and sets the future of the franchise after it. Oh what might have been! After You Only Live Twice seemed to reach a peak of grandiose sets and sensational space age plots, the Scotsman appeared to walk away on a point of principle. The films were heading away from the Bond he had always played. Mr Connery seemed to think that to take it all too far would be betraying the character. And he was getting older, fatter, slower etc.

To find out, once and for all, why he turned his back on those earlier reasons, I set off in search of the first official screen 007. I tried all his usual haunts; casinos in Monte Carlo, beaches in the Bahamas, coves in Jamaica and gypsy camps in Istanbul. I eventually tracked him down a couple of days ago in the Highlands of his beloved Scotland, after wading through ten miles of private forest to the edge of his personal loch. I found him standing in a kilt on a small jetty, petting a strange creature that promptly ducked beneath the crisp and clear waters at the sound of my approach.

After making some noises I didn’t really understand, Mr Connery agreed to answer a few of my brief questions:

Why did you agree to return as James Bond in Diamonds are Forever?

I did it for the money.

Did you approve of the new style to the Bond films introduced by Diamonds
are Forever

I did it for the money.

Did Guy Hamilton’s return as director, after the success of Goldfinger,
encourage you to sign up?

I did it for the money.

Would you say there are any genuinely funny moments in the film?

I did it for the money.

How would you respond to critics that have said your performance is lazy and uninterested? For example in the PTS and the scene where diamond smuggling is explained. Were you bored? Most men would find that astonishing.

I did it for the money.

What did you make of yet another version of Blofeld? Have you seen The Incredible Suit’s spot on analysis of the disappointment of the character? Did Charles Gray do a good job?

He did it for the money. I’ll talk to this suit fellow for the right price. My guards are going to take you away now.

Thanks for talking to me.

I did it for your money.

Despite my sloppy performance in covering Diamonds are Forever, I’m not sure if I’ll be BlogalongaBonding in August. I’m told that someone has already cleared my desk at headquarters and that Moneypenny shed a dignified tear. The internet connection here at the hospital will only be available to me until I’m
discharged and I sold my house to pay for this interview.

*for legal reasons I should say Sean is lovely really and we had a splendid chat. He did it for artistic integrity or something, definitely not money.

**for further legal reasons I should say I never spoke to Sean Connery (in this reality) and I don’t work for any secret agencies (officially).

*** Also Shirley Bassey’s theme song is excellent.

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